I swear.. sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know why I put myself through so much trouble and pain for a CHANCE I don't even know or feel that I have. I force myself to do it.. it's like a challenge for me that I hate, but can't refuse.
I dunno how many of you know of me and this girl I dated.. she and I.. we just recently broke off a relationship that lasted almost 3 years. It was the longest one I've had and I waited damn hard for it.. when I started to like her, I didn't know what to do. She kept telling me she didn't want a relationship, she wasn't ready, so on and so forth. And finally I brought up enough courage in myself a few weeks later and just asked straight out. "Do you wanna be together?" ...the answer I got was "...Fuck...I'm already with someone.." Like a few days before I asked someone else she liked asked her. Well I didn't know what to do. I liked her a whole lot I did, I didn't know why but something drove me to her. So I sat there and waited. I watched her and this guy grow together and love each other. I was never happy, always down on myself. If I was happy I'd have lapses of sadness thinking of her, and it hurt really bad. Almost a year later, her and I got together.
I hated doing it. I fucking hated it. I hated seeing her with him. I hated not knowing if I could ever be with her. I hated always wondering what they were up to. I hated being upset that I couldn't have much alone time with her. I hated those 9 or 10 months. I was glad they were over and I was glad I had her.
About a month and a half ago I met this guy.. he's such a darling. When I met him I figured he and I would be good friends quick, and I was right. Soon it came to the point where I'd always follow him around, we'd always be sitting off alone together somewhere, just talking and having a good time. I dunno what happened, but I started getting those feelings again. Those same feelings that drove me to my ex. I got scared at first, I didn't really want any feelings for him on account of me still loving my ex a lot and wanting her. But this guy.. every time I was around him he made me feel good. Every time I was with him, I was at peace. And I told him that, I told him he made me feel good and that I liked him a lot. And I get the same story I got from her..
We actually met when he broke up with his most recent guy. I was pretty much his protector from all that crap.He kept telling me "Too soon.. too soon.. I'm no good at dating...I want no more relationships." blah blah blah.
And one day.. I was driving to school and I realized...I'm tired of this. He's obviously interested some in me and I really like him.. Hell he's more than that to me..I love this guy. Obviously not like I love my ex.. but I do love him, and I'm willing to care about him forever.
So I build up my courage again. I make sure this is what I want and I wait. And one night I'm with him and I tell him that I can't see him much the next day before school. I suggest that I go to bed early and wake up earlier than normal to see him and we both agree it's a plan. So I do, and I bite my lip not to ask right then and there. I know that if I did and he said yes, no way in hell I can sleep. So I go to bed and wake up rather earlier. Drag my ass out of bed tired and turn on my comp. A friend of mine is on and I start talking to him.. I made some arbitrary roleplay towards him and accidently used this guy's name instead of my friend's. And I go "oops, sorry, force of habit." and he's all "lol, that's ok, just no thinking of my mate like that."
......................................................................
I can't exactly describe how -pissed- I am at this point. Not only did he tell me all this time he wasn't ready, but he told all these other people he wasn't ready, then OVER fucking NIGHT he gets with someone? Fuck that.
Naturally I scream and yell at him when I see him, and we start fighting. I won't explain what we said, but in essence he's liked my friend for like a year now and had no idea my friend liked him back. The opportunity arose and he said he did what he felt was best. I understand where he's coming from now.
Then my friend flipped a 180 on me and pretty much lost my trust and respect for fucking eternity. Fuck that asshole. Starts holding his relationship over me like a power, saying how much of a flying failure I am for it, that I'm nothing but a cheap fuck and all this horrid bullshit.
I don't know what to do. Now I've come to find I have these feelings for someone that I can't get rid of. Once more I'm in a situation where I have to be the spectator of his love life and hope to god that I'll get my chance some day. The lapses of sadness have come back, they're long and exhausting but I deal with them. All my memories of the pain and how fucking awful this is have come rushing back, and I'm terrified. I can't let go of him, I'm compelled to sit and be the best person I can be so I can grab my chance if it ever comes again.. but I know I don't want to do this...
Fuck.
I dunno how many of you know of me and this girl I dated.. she and I.. we just recently broke off a relationship that lasted almost 3 years. It was the longest one I've had and I waited damn hard for it.. when I started to like her, I didn't know what to do. She kept telling me she didn't want a relationship, she wasn't ready, so on and so forth. And finally I brought up enough courage in myself a few weeks later and just asked straight out. "Do you wanna be together?" ...the answer I got was "...Fuck...I'm already with someone.." Like a few days before I asked someone else she liked asked her. Well I didn't know what to do. I liked her a whole lot I did, I didn't know why but something drove me to her. So I sat there and waited. I watched her and this guy grow together and love each other. I was never happy, always down on myself. If I was happy I'd have lapses of sadness thinking of her, and it hurt really bad. Almost a year later, her and I got together.
I hated doing it. I fucking hated it. I hated seeing her with him. I hated not knowing if I could ever be with her. I hated always wondering what they were up to. I hated being upset that I couldn't have much alone time with her. I hated those 9 or 10 months. I was glad they were over and I was glad I had her.
About a month and a half ago I met this guy.. he's such a darling. When I met him I figured he and I would be good friends quick, and I was right. Soon it came to the point where I'd always follow him around, we'd always be sitting off alone together somewhere, just talking and having a good time. I dunno what happened, but I started getting those feelings again. Those same feelings that drove me to my ex. I got scared at first, I didn't really want any feelings for him on account of me still loving my ex a lot and wanting her. But this guy.. every time I was around him he made me feel good. Every time I was with him, I was at peace. And I told him that, I told him he made me feel good and that I liked him a lot. And I get the same story I got from her..
We actually met when he broke up with his most recent guy. I was pretty much his protector from all that crap.He kept telling me "Too soon.. too soon.. I'm no good at dating...I want no more relationships." blah blah blah.
And one day.. I was driving to school and I realized...I'm tired of this. He's obviously interested some in me and I really like him.. Hell he's more than that to me..I love this guy. Obviously not like I love my ex.. but I do love him, and I'm willing to care about him forever.
So I build up my courage again. I make sure this is what I want and I wait. And one night I'm with him and I tell him that I can't see him much the next day before school. I suggest that I go to bed early and wake up earlier than normal to see him and we both agree it's a plan. So I do, and I bite my lip not to ask right then and there. I know that if I did and he said yes, no way in hell I can sleep. So I go to bed and wake up rather earlier. Drag my ass out of bed tired and turn on my comp. A friend of mine is on and I start talking to him.. I made some arbitrary roleplay towards him and accidently used this guy's name instead of my friend's. And I go "oops, sorry, force of habit." and he's all "lol, that's ok, just no thinking of my mate like that."
......................................................................
I can't exactly describe how -pissed- I am at this point. Not only did he tell me all this time he wasn't ready, but he told all these other people he wasn't ready, then OVER fucking NIGHT he gets with someone? Fuck that.
Naturally I scream and yell at him when I see him, and we start fighting. I won't explain what we said, but in essence he's liked my friend for like a year now and had no idea my friend liked him back. The opportunity arose and he said he did what he felt was best. I understand where he's coming from now.
Then my friend flipped a 180 on me and pretty much lost my trust and respect for fucking eternity. Fuck that asshole. Starts holding his relationship over me like a power, saying how much of a flying failure I am for it, that I'm nothing but a cheap fuck and all this horrid bullshit.
I don't know what to do. Now I've come to find I have these feelings for someone that I can't get rid of. Once more I'm in a situation where I have to be the spectator of his love life and hope to god that I'll get my chance some day. The lapses of sadness have come back, they're long and exhausting but I deal with them. All my memories of the pain and how fucking awful this is have come rushing back, and I'm terrified. I can't let go of him, I'm compelled to sit and be the best person I can be so I can grab my chance if it ever comes again.. but I know I don't want to do this...
Fuck.
